Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
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My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
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Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
WHO DID THIS?
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man