still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
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I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
What the hell is going on?
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’