still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
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Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it