still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
whenever i wake up before my alarm
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.