still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
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Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I have never related to a cat more
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola