still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
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The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
😂🍻
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*