Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…