Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

I bet a dragon could defeat a unicorn. Unicorns are just pointy horses.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

My boss told me to do something for myself today so I went home and installed a bidet.