Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.