Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
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Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
This classic never gets old . . .
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!