Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

ME: I’ve fallen for you.

JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

Multitask? I can barely unitask

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.