Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
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My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
Me: why should I use your dish soap
Dawn: look how good it cleans this duck
Me: ok well how does it do on dishes?
Dawn: again, I can’t stress enough how clean this duck is
So glad we cleared that up
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?