Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

Her: Have you planned your funeral?

Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.

Her: (Stares)

Me: What? Are you busy on that day?

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]