still the best tweet of the year by far
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Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Sign at work today
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
asked my bf how work was today
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
BETRAYAL
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together