still the best tweet of the year by far
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My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
don’t we all
