Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.