Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

new wife guy just dropped

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

Bros before Ohioes