Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
You Might Also Like
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not