Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
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Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.