Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
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Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.