Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
You Might Also Like
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Me trying to “trust the process”
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!