Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
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“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
181.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here