still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
