Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

Only you can prevent podcasts

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

Whoa 😂

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

It’s my birthday!

This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual