Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

🤣😂🤣😂

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.