still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
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Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
this is funnier than any friends episode
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.