still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
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The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating