Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean