Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
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Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure