“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
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I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely