“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
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Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?