“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
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My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.