Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
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Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Green is just blue that someone peed in
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun