Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
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Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.