Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
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me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime