Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies

Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth