Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

Now colored!

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.