Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
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If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June