Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.

Stop feeding it!

#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

Breaking news:

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer