“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
You Might Also Like
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.