Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

Stonehinge

😆this is so true

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)