Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
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[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Just this preview of the story is enough
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”