Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
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When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy