Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
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my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
he’s doing your taxes
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.