Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is I, Robot all over again

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.