Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
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I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
😂🍻
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.