Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
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babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”