Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

Why he land on that little girl like that☠️

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC