Still writing HBO Max on my checks
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Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”