Still writing HBO Max on my checks
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It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I love art.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener