Still writing HBO Max on my checks
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Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.