Still writing HBO Max on my checks
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DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
how to market bottled water to dads
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never