#StillHurts
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Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
not to brag, but mine was free
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.