#StillHurts
You Might Also Like
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.