[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
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*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
can you read it!!??
maan!
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.