stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
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My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
…..pretty much.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.