stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
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I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
good work, detective
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
More like Kate Missington.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings