Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐