*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
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My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!