[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
You Might Also Like
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?