Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.

🤝

My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.