Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
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Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
I basically called this earlier today
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.