Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
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Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.