If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
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If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok