Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
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If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
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*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
My boss called in sick of me
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
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You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
wut hotdog?
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