Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
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Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Best seat on the street 😍
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
pep talk
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
when u come home smelling like another dog
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.