Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?

15: The tears of my enemies…

Kids are fun.

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.

Daughter: I love you mommy

Me: I love you!

Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Me muttering: ungrateful little…

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”