This came to me in a dream.
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Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
#NeverForget
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…