@TylerComeOn

Stomach: I’m hungry.

Brain: Chill out, dude, she’s in a meeting.

Stomach: I WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE A WHALE’S MATING CALL.

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@Reverend_Scott

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

@GaryJanetti

I hope one day to have the chance to whisper “what’s she doing here?” to the person next to me at a funeral.

@TheAlexNevil

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

@Vodkantots

The rest of these people must be totally shitfaced.

-me, driving in England

@Marlebean

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

@pmclellan

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

@missmayn

Mexico should agree to pay for the wall then once it’s built tell Trump he did a terrible job and refuse to pay up.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

@TheAlexNevil

Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”