Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Stomach: I’m hungry.
Brain: Chill out, dude, she’s in a meeting.
Stomach: I WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE A WHALE’S MATING CALL.
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I hope one day to have the chance to whisper “what’s she doing here?” to the person next to me at a funeral.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
The rest of these people must be totally shitfaced.
-me, driving in England
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Mexico should agree to pay for the wall then once it’s built tell Trump he did a terrible job and refuse to pay up.
Wife: This is terrible.
Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Man, these hotcakes are selling like themselves.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”