Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

want me to check your oil?

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.