“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
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I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
The options really are this bad
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’