“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
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BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.