*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
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God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Cats are still liquid.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
