*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
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[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
*skinny dips into black hole
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?