*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
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When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee