Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

😭😭😭